I had a quite interesting week.
On Saturday two weeks ago I woke up in the morning and my right side started to hurt just below the ribs. I didn't pay much attention to it, tough I felt it at every move. I took it as a normal pain, which will last in 3-4 days. The same night I was on a Halloween party with some of my friends. I was trying to be careful. Was a bit afraid of not knowing what it could be.
The night passed, I somehow got home, and the next day when I woke up it was still there. Well the 3-4 day phase is not over, so I won't make a big thing out of it.
Monday it was already annoying at the job. The thing that made me a bit pessimistic was, that the pain was always on the same pitch. And that I couldn't really feel out were it was. It was constant signal of warning. Though I didn't really know about what. The day went buy, I did what I usually do with a growing feeling of being unsafe.
Tuesday was the crucial day. And nothing changed. I was able to do the regular stuff, go to work, to a birthday party and so, but I felt wary. I didn't knew what is causing this.
Wednesday. The day that I said I have a problem. As a friend of my was just operated on his kidney I feared the worst. An operation.
At some point on Thursday I was sure, that I will be operated. I prepared myself mentally and tried to imagine how my state of mind should look like. My thoughts were something like:
"Maybe I will have to change my habits." but mainly: "It is not on me anymore." "I am trusting the doctors. I'm in their hands." And then coming to the point of no regret saying to myself, that there is nothing so important that I would be worry of to loose. Yes, I have a good life. I have friends, family a work. A goal for the next years. But none of them is so strong to really care for when I wouldn't be here.
On Friday I was on the concert on Hiromi my stomach was aching I was lost in toughs and emotions. The biggest question appearing in my mind was how my friends would get a message about the fact, when I would die. I have a lot of people I care for but have no contact with the people who could now about it. In a few seconds I wished during the concert that I would die at the place. It was such a perfect opportunity. But I never meant it seriously. I just like to fix on scenes. Like in movies. And this would have been a great scene, for the movie of my life.
What I also realized during this week was, that I have a mindset that I am invincible, nothing can harm me too much. And that I fear to even think to loose some functionality of my body (hearing, seeing an arm, a finger). I am not able to imagine a feeling of peace in such a state. Though I believe that I will be able to, if something happens to me. I believe I have a strong character, if I have survived so long.
Happy ending was when my father told me it was just a strain...
