Death in the air

I don't know about being deadly ill, nor I don't plan any suicide - I will talk about something different. But I will tell the world, that I don't believe in suicide. When I was around 10 years old I was thinking about suicide, also the means how to best do it. Well I didn't found an answer for how to do it... But I came up with the mindset, that it is useless, well in my case illogical, to give up life. I think because I'm a curious person and with a positive attitude to life.

So whay I write this post was because I really felt death in the air. I was thinking about loosing people near to me. Most propably because my grandfather had a dangerous operation in july, and my subconsiousness was giving me sign to think about it.

So I just realized that how lost I would be, when I would loose the people I depend on, my parents. I understood that I fear the day, this will happen, and that I can't even imagine a life without them.

I think I should learn how to cook and wash my cloths from my mother, and go for a hunt with my father (I will go there for hiking, I do not agree with killing animal in that way. Though at least they are killing with considerations - old and overpopulated animals -, and not everything that comes in their sites...). Every of these activities should bring something in my life and on the other hand I would spend some time with my parents.

I just know that I fear death, but this should be normal. I will need to control and understand these feelings more, so if the time comes, I will react the right way (if needed, then be strong or just simply cry from the bottom of my heart, and then move on)...